Monday, 16 December 2013
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Monday, 28 October 2013
Thursday, 18 July 2013
The following letter has been sent to The Queen on behalf of every person in the UK who has been made to feel intimidated and uneasy while visiting a lovely boating lake or pond.
Her Majesty The Queen
London SW1A 1AA
I have a pressing question that I feel only you, as Queen Protector Of All Gracious Swans, can answer me.
Like most people in the UK, it has been drummed into me since birth that the humble Swan has the power to break your arm with its wing. This is a terrifying thought as Swans are known to get quite shirty and I’ve been eyed up and chased numerous times while walking around the local boating lake.
I feel that the Swan is preying on this fear, using it to scare people into dropping bread, wallet, keys etc during the inevitable chase that happens. As such, I was wondering if it is okay to pre-emptively strike a Swan? Running away just leads to even more Swan cockiness and they’re already way too strutty with their long necks and “oh, look at me!” fluffy white plumage. As a man, I need to show it who’s boss and I’d rather do that before we get into a proper scrap where I stand a chance of having my arm broken,
It would be great to have this answered before I get pulled by a Royal Swan Protection Officer.
I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Monday, 20 May 2013
A few years ago now I applied and auditioned to become the match day announcer at Plymouth Argyle. Due to an utter travesty and no doubt some dirty behind the scenes politics, I didn't get the gig. I've not harbored a grudge at all but just before each game I go to at Home Park, when the teams are being announced I tend to cry and start screaming "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!" at any fan that will listen.
Today there has been a chance to make amends for that sleight. It's come to light that Plymouth Argyle are employing a gang of cheerleaders (I'm pretty sure when more than one of them get together it's called a gang) and I intend to be one of them. Hopefully the main choreographer if I get my arse in gear and practice.
The first step is to send an application email -
When I saw a Tweet from the Argyle account this morning hinting at big news, my stomach fluttered with excitement. Most fans assumed it would be a new signing or something to do with the grandstand but I knew it was something bigger. Something better. Boy, was I right.Since the age of 24 I have dreamed of being a cheerleader, jumping around and performing complicated routines. The bits where they throw fellow spandex-cladded cheerpeople up in the air and sometimes catch them just blows my mind.I will be honest and say that I have little previous experience in this line of work. Once at a gig I proceeded to wave my hands in the air like I just didn't care but I doubt it's really comparable. I understand the need for fitness and suppleness due to the complex nature of the sport and can confirm to you that I have attended seven beginners yoga sessions over the past year so I'm pretty sure I can withstand the demands put on my body by cheerleading. My yoga teacher once described my as "surprisingly bendy for someone with such short hamstrings". If I need references, I can get hold of that guy and I'm pretty he'd quote that right back to you.Finally, I look bloody good in outfits. Although never having worn spandex/lycra, I've dressed as Wonder Woman on a couple of nights out in what is quite frankly a raunchy figure hugging costume. I pulled this off with gusto with plenty of men in the bar I was in telling me that I looked a natural. I will attach a picture of me in said dress to confirm this.I hope this application is sufficient. I'm now going to shave my arms, legs and testicular region to cut down on wind resistance while I get some practice in.Thank you.HBLC
I attached the photo that you can see at the top of the page where I can be seen wearing the said raunchy outfit. After re-reading my application, I'm supremely confident that I'm going to get the gig. Adding the photo was just insurance.
Time to start an intensive training regime comprising of lunges, skipping and spinning around really fast. I've got this in the bag.
UPDATE - I have an audition! 1st of June I will have to strut my stuff, break out the moves and show them just what I am made of.