What do you do when you've purchased 240 Creme Eggs? Complain to Cadbury that one of them was shoddy of course!
Dear Cadbury.You guys make Creme Eggs and I applaud you massively for this. They have been a mainstay in my diet for many years now.Now, a couple of months ago I purchased 240 crème eggs. I realise that acquiring ten kilograms of them is tantamount to self-harm but I’ve been getting through them at a bloody good rate, only needing to up my running by an extra 75 kilometres a week. Last night I reached into the last remaining box and picked out an egg. It felt okay, had no superficial damage and was at a temperature that wouldn’t render it melty or solid. Unwrapped it and visually inspected like I always do. All good.I took a bite. “OH MY GOOD GOD!” I shouted. It was empty and hollow. As empty and hollow as David Cameron’s smile. I went outside and threw the offending confectionary into a local building site, not wanting to see it again. I heard it clang off the bucket of a JCB followed by a man swearing but that’s neither here nor there.I’m sure everyone involved with the design and build of the Cadbury creme egg empire has a pretty decent knowledge of how real eggs are formed. I wouldn’t expect any less as I can imagine the amount of research that went into making creme eggs was damn extensive. Therefore each member of staff should know that an egg shell is formed after the albumen wraps itself around the yolk, then a hard shell is gradually developed. If you have no egg white or yolk, you can have no shell as it has nothing to form around.This crème egg had no white or yolk. Therefore it’s an abomination, goes against science and evolution and is terribly offensive to poultry.All I ask is that Cadbury accept the egg forming process which has been around for thousands and thousands of years and stop trying to ruin it with its own brand of science. No one wants an empty egg. No one.Yours.Dean Pascoe.
I managed to display my anger in word form and for this I expected a few boxes of Creme Eggs from Cadbury as an apology to the massive sleight dealt out to me. But no. A corporate letter displaying no sense of humour at all and a £1 voucher. A £1 voucher which could only buy me one Creme Egg from a high street retailer. The headed Cadbury paper didn't even smell of chocolate. I mean, come on! The worst part is that they've assumed the egg was filled entirely with chocolate instead of their "special" filling which is wrong and was clearly outlined in my complaint. Willy Wonka wouldn't have overseen that. Cadbury amateurs.
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In case of people expecting eggxageration (HAHAHAHAHA!) in my complaint, I really did have 10 kilograms of Creme Eggs. Most people have said that's way too much but those people will never understand the love me and Creme Eggs share. The love is so much that I have just ordered another hundred of the little buggers. As just eating them as is can get a little tiresome after a while, I've been experimenting.
1) The BBQ.
Fired up the Weber and whacked a couple of them on there. Extremely sickly and I got burnt on the foil. Unpleasant.
Cookie dough base, Creme Egg middle and a brownie topping. Divine.
Creme Egg wrapped in bacon and served on a rocket salad. F**king disgusting and almost put me off both bacon and Creme Eggs for life. Almost.
Creme Eggs in batter and deep fried. It's no wonder the Scottish life expectancy is on par with some of the poorest nations on earth when this is their daily diet. Tasted amazing though and thoroughly recommended.
5) Scotch Creme Egg.
Creme Egg encased in sausage meat, covered in bread crumbs and then deep fried. Devine. Surprisingly devine.
Next for me is the Creme Egg Cornish Pasty. A combination of two of my favourite things and one of my worst. Creme Eggs, Cornish Pasty and a heart attack.
A final thing. If you didn't soil yourself at the pun in the title, you're dead inside.